Tissue Paper

1) Bad times.

2) Solace.

3) Desirability and getting back at someone.

4) Play along but with consciousness.

5) Redundacy realization.

6) Distancing and safe element removal. No fuss is always better than any fuss.

7) At beck and call. Suck up. Treasure more. Back to square one with oneself calling shots. Overcame a mountain and both turn out stronger and more appreciative. Bad boy theory.

8) Ignoring an used object.

Much like tissue paper. When u really need it, u will walk around to search and buy it. When it’s done and used, u look for somewhere to dispose it properly. Failing which, anywhere will do.

U never think that u will be a piece of tissue paper. And u want to trust some things. But the way some things go and are executed, u can’t help but hear that whisper in your ear. Incessantly.

We took a short jog and sweated it out. I believe it’s time to start another journey and look to the horizon. And rem to look back at the tissue paper lying on the beach. To learn. Coz it was not too long ago that u were one.

Learn.

Stealing Time

It’s been a while since my last entry.

Looks like we have come to the end of the road. Just as well. It’s been a long time coming.

I found myself learning new things still, too exponentially. They say u are wiser as u mature, but I find myself still being toughened up through the school of hard knocks. Perhaps the head needs to rule the heart more, and understand that trust is a simple 5-letter word yet it beggars belief.

I learnt that:

1) Birds of the same feather flock together. Pple who mix together and become best buds will still have core characteristics that are synonymous with their group and education level, and social network. Complexity breeds crap.

2) You want to trust someone, but that doesn’t mean u shld. Hard to control at times, but some pple are not really that true to their words.

3) We all serve a purpose in life. Different roles at diff times. Mine was something specific then. No longer necessary, and excuses aplenty but end of day, actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

4) If it’s not meant to be, means intensity and feelings are not as strong as spoken. It might have been, but at a prev strategic time, and that time is over. It’s better that the seed was planted, but no flower grew and no pollen harvested.

5) Nice guys do finish last. Bad guys, no matter how bad, will be excused by girls. They just need minor improvements and they will be deemed as a changed person. Gals like to change their guys, and feel that they are loved through giving in and adaptation. That works. and deceives. But it dun matter anymore how the world behaves, it’s serious crap.

6) Poor judgement and cowardice – We are wrong, so wrong. And avoidance at day end speaks a lot. Sure that there will be many ‘noble’ excuses, but u know. I know. Solace, desirability, threat, play hard to get, distance from solace and then return to home. In that order. Welcome to the jungle :>

7) An ah beng will always be an ah beng. Likewise an ah lian. In terms of thinking, behaviour, network mannerisms, etc. And consequently their management of issues and deadends. And we haven even touched on temperament and social life yet. Woohoo.

8) Certain people deserve each other. Enough said.

9) Never your loss. Also others’. I truly believe that. If we think that it’s purely ours, might as well kill oneself there and then. A world of bastards and bitches and delusional couples. That’s happiness and bliss for u guys, the world is a marvellous place, ain’t it. Life is really simple, try telling that to humans.

10) Exes. Now u knw how pple act as they are now. Coz they were suckers like u, went thru similar fate and/or went into a shell. Haha. But hey, as long as u act distant, high class, need saviour yet dun trouble pple, it’s never your fault ever…. right? A whole cycle of used souls, damnation is upon us, and time will tell for others. Damocles do your thing.

It’s all for the better. That’s for sure. Closure brings circulation to your system, and life to the zombie. It nips the bud and slaps u hard, and jolt u back into, hopefully a more normal world. But hey, as long as there are humans, we ain’t gonna be that normal, right people?

Massive Orgasmic Ego

It’s a ‘dog eat dog’ world, many say.

How true. The big eat the small, and as George Orwell has said, ‘all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others’. Poignant reminder of that exists, sometimes slapping u in the face.

But u know, karma flows. What comes around will come around. And u will suffer then, perhaps with more agony than u know. Stomping on one using nothing but your backing, whereby u urself has no wt, and is in hurt that pple bring that out so easily and hurt your poor little pride. Useless twit, getting ignored, being rude to by others and nursing that inner hurt. Aiyoh.

Sayang sayang…..

People lose sight of things, and situations, perspectives when they move up. When they are in biggies too long. They think too highly of themselves, attach way too much ego and self-importance, and make every molehill a mountain. Serving to make themselves feel gd in the hollowness of solitude and poor sad little bastard lives. Probably they haven had sex in a long while too, haha. Do they even know the meaning, that is. Ohhhhh my precious.

In that sense, maybe better to just treat it as doing them a favour. Letting them have a release, a false orgasm of sort, coz otherwise, where the hell are they gonna get their fix? Sigh, the tragedies of life. I pity u, u sad ass.

But I firmly believe that one day, it will come bite u in the ass. In subtle painful ways, and I will never curse your death and demise. How could I?

I will have no sympathy and I will sit with a fag with my mouth, savouring every sec of your life being squeezed outta you. Enjoy coz the reaper will get u in the end, and we all have to go. May the force be with u, and may u rot in hell.

Wanker Kiss-ass Monkey.

New Year Resolution

Resolutions suck. Waste of time.

But just perhaps in this case, we better have one.

When push comes to shove, u better know when to exit. When to know it’s futile and just plain killer dragginess at work. Never ending mess, waiting and others taking for granted in more things.

U think it’s gonna end in 2010, think again… Wishing yes, hoping big time, but realli… u be dreaming if u can see an end in sight.

Signs to him are not pressing. Parents even bigger obstacle. Another yr dragged is just another yr to pple, anyway they have company and everything’s status quo. No one gets seriously hurt, super inconvenienced, or in great pain. But not everyone can stay in the waiting game. Will need determination, guts and black & white logic. These are key.

For now, things just feel different already. Maybe it’s fading. And one sidedness just ain’t working. Who the hell likes sucking up to the pedestal person? Clear cases, unclear ones, and small ones that require efforts and time to shift back to normality. Bit by bit. Day by day.

Accumulated pedestal feeling. Sometimes u can’t help but understand why history transpires as it did. Why pple did their actions. How they felt, alienated and fitting into that cage. And actions they do, are to vindicate that imprisonment. That constraint and enforced rigidity. What irony.

It’s not like we have no grief, no stress, no need to work, no worries and no own lifespan. Up til a pt, we better know when to pull the plug. Else it just seems like the road to infinity, and not eternity….

There are many ‘I don’t like this and that’. Rigidity. No closeness, no intimacy, no socially recognized stuffs, no status, no special occasions, no dates, no many small things, etc. What’s left u say?

Well, some dinner here n there. Lame, getting-stagnant talks. Careful not to step on landmine. Trigger any episodes whereby guess who gets the brunt of it again? And I mean both ways. Scolding and hard work towards normality.

It’s so gd to see things are bonus, pple as lower pedestal and chill. Just enjoy suck-up, be urself so much, drag, assume it’s that easy for other person.

I think it’s my bad. I have ingrained the feeling of always there, no life, love more, apologize, give in and similar. No prizes for guessing who feels for who more.

Well, it’s def 2010 already. With zero end in sight.

No where even 1% nearer to end pt. And things just getting worse. Time getting miniscule. It beggars belief how many others will stay and act as I am, like a moron. Getting stepped on… and already bruised and battered.

Who knows what the future holds. We only know we had better know the break pt, else who can we blame other than our own useless weakness?

I hate cold swimming pools…

Impressions

As much as there is a certain sense of denial and seems like there is no difference, the fact is that there is a significant difference. Of the message that is relayed and imprinted onto the person. Of positives and negatives, of how things may be improving, of how the iceberg might be melting.

That going by ‘helplessness’, going by letting things flow their natural course, of exhibiting non resistance or signs of unhappiness… it just gives vibes that things are on the up. That the approach is working, and there are baby steps.

At the same time, niceties set in, and nice begets nice, so u will feel less obliged to be nasty or mean. To be at least cordial and like friends, but at same time, u are giving vibe that things are normal, more so than past. And eventually, u have to wonder if critical mass might set in, that they might touch closer to the heart than u think.

And with more nice begets nice, with normal talking, with acts and gestures, it just gets to be point whereby u are not aware how much u determine his actions. How small things give impressions, how u are giving him sighs to act certain ways.

1. Talk like friends, no more minimal words and attitude.
2. Less or almost no more neg house stay reminders.
3. Time spent on family stuffs, money spent on u and little actions like being nice to you and non-nasty. So u will feel like being even nicer.
4. Getting person to inform family of stuffs. Feels he’s still part of everything. That things suck, but u guys are still in something together.
5. Informing him of movements and doing as like he says.
6. Holding onto person shows at crunch time, u are still together. That u still rely on person, and physical contact always gives hope.
7. Showing examples of togetherness in front of common friends. Builds small things within urself and himself. Inertia is an omnipresent growth.
8. Washing person’s stuffs. Enough said.

End of day, it is easier on your end. U have status quo, spare time still have same company as before. Nothing changes actually… when u want, there is extra person there for u. Sort of like a win-win for you, would u want a resolution? Yes perhaps, but right now status quo is hardly the most potent drink.

Still someone there to keep u occupied, so called be concerned abt u, wkends take care of themselves, and seriously there is no drastic change from prev. All this time, can we say the same for others? Yes, u can say is just being same (seems) for other party, but fact is, it’s tough and more than meets the eye.

We all know the drag that more days will bring. It’s really trying….

Busy with work, hectic schedules, etc… before we know it, mark my words, it will be X’mas. And it seems we are only ones brainstorming, thinking and fighting real hard. Do we want it, or maybe one wants it more?

I would really want to think the former.

The guardian approach and love are 2 main things keeping things afloat, keeping things tight. We can’t see the future, though I would love to accelerate time to Sept 2010. To know if we are being stupid or rightfully hopeful. Being the world’s biggest dumbass or the correct idealist.

For all we know, the war for which we fight for, might not be the right war after all. And then, all u will see are casualties and devastation. And move on we will, but with such a heavy heart.

We live at the mercy of others, more people in this equation that we desire. And the feeling sucks. A wanderer in the desert, without  a compass, devoid of life and worse still, realize that it was all a useless, manipulative affair at the end of the day.

By then, who can we blame but ourselves. We are not that stupid yet, we knew the story and we played along the whole show. We were the main actor, the supporting cast and calefare rolled into one.

Hey, we might yet win the award for ‘dummy of the year’…. and know eventually that we sat in the longest dumb ride of our sad life.

Guardian

Next year’s def an off year for relationships. At least in my context.

U dun wanna plant seeds and allow for corrosion thereafter. And think, fret, worry incessantly and worst case, have something that u fought so hard for, be destroyed and savaged in a moment’s instance.

So here comes the guardian. Circumstances aren’t going to change much, actions are not expedited, schedules suck and guardian remains. Is it a bad thing? Well, in some weirdo sense, there is one good. And that is the guardian role, minus all the shit contact. I can somewhat guarantee that Xmas will be here b4 u know it, and nothing’s changed. Talking tone is pretty much still nice and after that holding nite, well, can’t blame him for feeling positive abt stuffs. So we wait, anyway if shit happens next yr, I better not have anything now too.

Procrastinations of that night. Many whys, and tiredness is sole justification, at least in my mind. I have convinced myself, but somewhat u wonder if normal, constant repetitions of such will lead to issues. And it likely will, if things remain rigid again as they are. Perhaps comm will help so let’s see, without triggering over the temper tripwire.

Oct’s come and Nov’s not far. Premonitions are strong but we hope to be proven wrong. Mark these words and thoughts. Sigh…

October Rain

It’s been a while….

September’s come and halfway gone. We all say we have to play by each other’s system, and who are we to disagree totally. We all only see things more from own angle, and we think we know it all. Even myself, gotta stop overthinking and getting preachy, falling down the same spiral staircase to hell. Sometimes when things get to a point, it’s just not that reversible anymore, and we find ourselves staring at an all too familiar pothole.

Who knows what Oct brings… we wish and hope for spirited fights, ceaseless indomnitable spirit, brave cavalier attitude, and we really do hope so.

We do not want hesistancy, easily setback by obstacles, and see brick walls all too fast… and the fact is, we all have to fight for what we want. No one will ever lay it on a plate, and offer plate to u with wide spread arms. That only happens with a posion chalice, dun u think.

From our crystal ball, we can see the next upcoming sequence, though we dare not to think it will really be that way. Hell, no. We want to see what was agreed, what was discussed way too much, and that progress is inevitable, not repressed and stifled.

October is like a barometer, and we know spillover to Nov is a sure thing. Well, almost sure. We know Xmas is coming, and CNY too… and that irritating Valentine’s Day. We know the events that will follow, the acts that will be initiated. And how it might (just might) lead to something that I said I cannot tolerate. Parents are a gd excuse, but surely some things have to be halted by others. That a stop sign, and dead-end sign, has to be displayed from the heart… and we really do need things to be expedited.

Dragginess has become a hallmark. A ceaseless pest of today. A crazy component of my life. And following systems has become a set parameter, more so than others see. When things are so regimented, so in-built, and clouded with principled and rigid thinking, you can hardly see, much less feel shit. It’s like forest burning aftermath… in your head.

Senseless blabbering, as usual. Sometimes, within this text trash, I’m not even sure what I am talking abt too… but does it matter? Water will still flow downstream, the sun still rises, wars still happen, abuse of infants still occur and shit still exists everywhere.

We are helpless souls on this journey to death. And some of us have it easy, some walk the whole burning granite way. No prizes for guessing which path I tread.

But I tell myself, things are only the worst when u allow urself to see it that way. We are all fortunate way beyond our thinking, lucky bastards in every sense of the word. Each meal,  each happy moment, each sec of love, bliss and simple things we take for granted…. well, we are blessed indeed.

We just have to stop thinking that we are some pitiful slave stuck in a well. By that, we will be made happier, more carefree souls than we ever will be.

Cheers to another gd friday and marvellous weekend my friends, wherever u may be….

Enjoy the Silence

Well, if u asked hard enough for what u want, u will def get it one way or another….

From hereon, let’s just play someone else’s game, and this time, looks like karma all over again for yours truly. Getting nicked in my own ass this time. Any output, any comments, sharing, abet with wrong phrasing, just ends up somewhere in the drain. So, play safe, mitigate issues, just shut the f*** up. If can dun say, keep the trap shut.

One less worry, one less problem, another day happy and smooth sailing. Or so it seems. I just hope there’s enough in the tank to last the journey and that it becomes ingrained in me, or I get used to the fact that have to work within another person’s confines.

Beyond that, the rest is just one big puzzle bubble. There are always power justifications or ‘take it or leave it’ mantras when it comes to other, yet strangely for u bro, just roll with the times. No firm-ness, no crappy sharing and no critique. Wun work out well, u shld know that waaaay well by now. Happy skimming times = happy vibes = near perfection.

I think we kinda recognize things are not gonna budge much from here, and expectations kill. So love is really abt accepting and loving the bad, coz everyone can easily love the good. The gd characteristics, beauty, legs, demeanor, everyone can do the lovin’. Extremely true.

But it’s truly loving the imperfections that create that new world. And it needs to be mutual. Else it’s kaput time again. Sometimes u can’t help but feel like an idiot strung along, but at times u have flight of fancy. And we just freaking hope that we are on the right bus and doing the right things.

We are at very most at midpoint (not) and there’s way more agony to go. More repetitions, more justifications of procrastinations and more sub-sub reasons. Sorry, where were we? Better steady oneself for the long, sleepless trip to nowhere.

What a wonderful life…

Landing on the Moon

It’s kind of akin to that.

Days like these are hard, so hard. Pple are getting closer, and there’s nothing in hell u can do. The set circumstances of reunion, parents, siblings and togetherness… we want to deny that negative thoughts will surface, but really, can we forever?

That we shld stay in the comfort zone, to make things easier for oneself. To just close one eye. To stay status quo. Dun rock the boat, and as one said before, every marriage is a gamble. So this is just another gamble, abet one with legacy issues and past demeanors.

How many such weekends ahead do we foresee? Many, way too many to bear. And add a happy-go-lucky person, parents and comfort zone factors… it all adds up to sad resigned fact that nothing’s gonna change. Right to the end of the yr, heck likely even longer. Why does pple not get it, give up and know the street leads to a dead-end? Bcoz guys hang ard, they think that all’s buried and happy again. That one in the hand beats another in the bush… stay the course and everything’s gd as new, and things be generally ok. Back to happy glorious days… and it’s just happy twosome again. After all, they have the parental factor on their side, and partner’s held to ransom by family reasons.

We can’t go down the parents route, we can’t do firmer, smarter things with the partner, so where does all this lead?

After a yr of debacle and procrastinations, we will realize that submission is the way, THE best way. And then, it’s time to call everything off. To add another dummy to the pool. To say gdbye and subject oneself to life of gambled hope, resignation and living life for everyone else.

Why can’t we be stronger, manage things better and strive all the way for oneself? Why can’t we fight harder, go against all waves and stir a revolution? Why can’t we want one more day of happiness and not delay the bliss that’s awaiting?

So many whys, so many doubts in the way ahead and so many uncertainties. So much time still to run, which is fine, but doubt there can be good improvements. Strong improvements are really a healthy tonic to the soul, and heals the aching mind.

I can only wait. Only hope. We just be the nice guy, do what makes things easier for other person, and not add to the pressure. We have been less in control of emotions, of heartache, and now we are doing what we feel is best way forward. But we just want some improvements, esp as we glide towards 3rd month… and counting.

Normality is such a gift. And now it’s something we crave so much. Craving built on a huge depository of hope.

Expectations Trepidations

2 mths and counting. I think in order not to set oneself up for failure, we better address the question of expectations.

Not to expect someone ‘taking u in’. To have that fruitful outcome as desired. To have your happy ending. Musical chairs are abound, but doesn’t mean your name’s inscribed on any of them. Perhaps we have all along been a redundant clog in the wheels of time. A saviour, respite, an alternative voice and some form of emotional support. Always a thin, thin line btw hope and sucker :<

From words, from vibe, any non self-deceiving fool will know that things are in place to act as backdoor for negative outcomes.

Parents, circumstances, etc will make it super long drawn, not to mention caving in to the easier outcome. Of giving in, of closing one eye, of saying forget it and submit to life’s whims. After all, things are in place, pple know pple, and we dun have to re-invent the wheel, do we?

House, relations, past memories, status quo & comfort zone, and acts of pity and love will serve to act against the forces of good. And succumb we might.

And then, it really is no longer a joke. The deeper we sink, the harder we fall. The more we expect, the more devastated we might be. By then it’s really not funny at all. And it’s “thanks for memories, being sweet…. BUT…”

When the time comes, we might have to say it takes 2 hands to clap. Much as part of us will want to attribute some blame elsewhere. We are willing parties in the equation, and an accomplice to crime. We cannot rule out jailtime, and it does seem that that possibility is becoming more and more likely.

Scary, yes. Sad, hell yes.

Better start preparing oneself for the fall, the ride down to hell ain’t gonna be pretty. Not pretty at all.

We try to think we own something. Truth is, we never did all along. We just loaned it out, heck… we stole it out. We know not when time to return will come, but sometimes it pays to think sooner than later. To prepare oneself. It’s just that the choice to think something’s yours makes the process heart-wrenching.

Of what could have been. Of possibilities. Others might say of heartache spared, travesty averted, another dreadful episode avoided. One less heartburn in the journey of life. Humans, we all hope. In hoping, we end up destroying ourselves.

Gambling is never a gd thing. We tend to think we can win… but really, can we?